I Can Trust Jesus...

This quote has grabbed my attention alot. I have had opportunity,

just like anyone else in this world,

to experience the reality of this many times in my short life.

God is sovreign. It took me a number of years to 

grab onto and cling fiercely to the truth

that as His child, I will have nothing done to me,

taken from me, or withheld from me that

He does not allow or ordain for

my good and His glory.

Grasping this and breaking completely in this

has given me amazing freedom to simply be.

I am His.

He is mine.

I don't need to worry.

I don't need to pine away for what

I don't have that it seems I should,

or for what was/is done to me that

is not God's way,

nor do I need to have constant knee-jerk

reactions when life's imperfections touch

me in real ways very often in a week's time.

Go to the Father weeping?

Oh yes.

Surrendered in the weeping?

Great freedom is found there.

Hold to God's unchanging hand.

In that holding, in the yieldedness,

in the vulnerable place of completely

entrusting my life to this One whom

I have never seen and yet His fiery

presence fills my heart,

is one of the most joyous places I

have ever experienced to live.

There, I find life's meaning:

know HIM...

and in the knowing of Him,

I 'unconsciously' make Him known to others.

In this place of freedom, I hear

from Him how to pass along His truth to

my friends and family...

calling for them to come with me

into His presence where there is

fullness of joy.

In this place of trusting freedom,

I find the ability to be grateful,

because praise to Him is powerful,

no matter if my circumstances change,

or if they stay the same for

what seems to stretch out before me

like a long winding river whose

end I cannot see.

He is able.

He is faithful.

He is all knowing.

He will keep me always.

A number of years ago, a dear friend sent me this song.

I know that I shared it on this blog before, but

I share it again because recently it has really been

ministering life to me once more as I walk

thru a harder season than some I have walked

in recent years. I hope that it can encourage you too.

I Can Trust Jesus

by the Collingsworth Family

There Never Was Time...

Written by an anonymous author from their perspective on American life, particularly in the plain communities they have known...

There never was time...

To marvel at the thousands of sunsets that tinted the western sky with rosy hues.

To wonder at the sky blue robin's eggs that the boys found in the cedar trees by the house.

To walk to the woods and sit by the pond, observing the wildlife and hearing the boy's hopes and dreams.

To pause from the mountains of work created by a lifestyle of materialism and opulence to smile into a child's eyes, or simply rock a baby for no reason at all.

To sit with the family in the grass at dusk and watch the stars come out in the night skies.

To take the country walks they often talked of doing together.

To sit around the Word of God and marvel at its teachings.


There never was time...

To pause and slow down, sitting together with the family to pray over a sick child, or to bring a broken heart to God. It was always more important to get the work done and to push the hurting one aside.

To pray each night, hearing the hearts of the family and taking them to the only One who can hear our deepest needs.

There never was time...

To sit in the middle of the day sometimes and just play games with the children, or eat watermelon at the picnic table on a hazy summer afternoon with the family.

To grow their own food and share the bounty with the neighbors. Always they were in a rush and their attempts at growing a garden ended in disaster some years because their lives were full of trying to make lots of money to pay for all their expensive vehicles and the opulent lifestyle they chose to live.

To sit at the river's edge and watch the current move idly by...pondering life and love and all sorts of meaningful things.

To read a book by a quiet stream

To go on a walk with a hurting soul, letting them share their heart and pointing them to Jesus

To make the Lord the true King of their lives. Always there was a rush to get out the door in the mornings to work to pay the bills (a good third of them which were not needs but wants), or to rush off to revival meetings at church (because after all, the bishop will question you if you are not there). And then it was night and they were tired, and their physical bodies needed rest, but they didn't get to bed as early as they should have because their work kept them up late at night.


There never was time....



And how sad it was that in their old age, they had time to sit in their rockers, diseased from the rushed lifestyle and the rich food they ate in their opulence, while their children rushed about on the rat race their parents taught them to live. They had plenty of time then to think about what life would have been like if only they had taken the time God gave them and used it more wisely than wasting it in riotous living and gathering up treasures on earth and living in the here and now in the pursuit of happiness.

They now had time to wish their children and grandchildren had time to come see them, but they were too busy making a living to keep up with an even more opulent lifestyle than they themselves had lived. They had time now to hear their grandchildren complaining and demanding that their parents provide better things for them than the already expensive things they have been given.

They had time to wish that people had been more important to them than things.

They now had time to weep deeply at the life they could have lived, had they only chosen to take the time...

When Dreams Fail...

and yet, in the midst of life's brokenness, we should still make music to God
because He is worthy of our praise...

No one dreamed the day they married over 20 years ago, that she would fall asleep while driving school children home one day, resulting in an accident that impaired their middle child's brain, leaving them wondering if they would ever see her normally talking and walking again.

No one dreamed the day he was born, that in 8 short years he would be killed in a farm accident, abruptly taken from his place at his daddy's side, where he eagerly watched and learned how to do the work of a Farmer.

No one dreamed, the day he was brought home from the hospital by adoption that he would show signs of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder at age 5 and continue to create waves and ripples in their home for many years as they struggled to understand his brain disorder and tried with God's wisdom to know how to best care for him and prepare him for the future. No one saw the anguish of the parent's hearts or the many tears that have been shed for him as they walked thru their days. No one saw the crushed heart of his daddy, as he came to terms with the fact that his only son would likely not stand in his place one day as the head of the family.

No one dreamed that after years of pouring love and good teaching into their child, they would rise up in rebellion and anger, scorning the very life that their parents invested so much into them. No one saw the sobs behind closed doors as a mother knelt by her bed and prayed for her child. 

No one dreamed that after 25 years of marriage, things would fall apart and leave a spouse alone, told in no uncertain terms that they are no longer loved or wanted, deeply broken hearted to be so cruelly treated. No one saw the anguished heart as it fell before God many times, pleading that He restore their marriage and bring honor to Jesus' name.

No one dreamed that the parent would turn on the child they raised to believe in Jesus and who chose Jesus in all His simplicity...telling that (now adult) child that they are a disappointment and a stain on the family. No one saw the deep heart groanings of that 'child' as they cried out to God to bless their father anyway, even tho he doesn't understand that his child simply is carrying on the torch of faith he presented to them. 

No one dreamed, when they gazed at the face of their firstborn, beautiful baby girl that one day she would be given an infectious disease that they knew little about. No one saw the mother weep deeply,  held in the arms of her husband at night, who took her to Jesus in prayer. 

No one dreams up these things. We all want the happy things, the beautiful things, the things that cause us to feel like dancing on the rooftops and singing. No one says, yes I'd like to have all my dreams broken and I'd love to feel the pain that comes from desperate situations where there is no seeming answer. No one does that.

But what do I, as a child of God do with broken dreams? I believe that he wants me to trust his heart. I believe that he calls me to surrender all those dreams and let Him make from my life what He would have it to be. I do not understand many things in this world. But I do know that as His child, He ordains the circumstances of my life for my good and for His glory.

I humbly bow before him anew today, and say "Be it unto me, Lord, according to your will", words spoken by the mother of our Lord Jesus, who certainly did not dream of becoming pregnant by the Holy Spirit before she was married.

Of Lyme Disease and 20 years...

Nearly Twenty years ago, 

this young lady joined our home 

and made me a mother. For twenty years, 

God has faithfully kept me desperate for Him as I 

navigated the trail of bringing my children up

 in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

In a few weeks, this lady will turn 20,

 and we will have our first child

leave the teen years behind.

It is pure joy to me to watch my daughter choosing

the way of Life, and ask the hard things

so that she can find the answers to the important things.

As I have watched Angela walk thru the hardship of a chronic disease

the past 4 years, admiration grows in my heart daily

 for how she has gracefully

found a way to deal with the disappointment of giving the last half

of her teen years to Lyme Disease and co-infections.

She has had to face the huge hurdle of neurological issues

(outlandish fears, depression, worry and anxiety, and

foggy brain, 

buzzing brain that gets overstimulated in

 bright light or at social functions) 

off and on for 4 years, and has learned

how to keep going in spite of it, in the capacity 

in which she is able to do it.

She doesn't get as much done in 'activity' as 

many young people do, but it blesses me to

watch her determinedly tackle at least basic

homemaking on most any day, and on the days she

feels well, we see glimpses of who she used to be

as she digs into cleaning projects and other things

around the home, her voice like a songbird

singing beautiful hymns to our Maker.

When if feels like she has yet 'another down day',

we have to pause and remember that 

this woman has been able to do two consecutive years

of chorus with a local youth group including tours,

besides the daily round of duties she actually

does including tending parts of our vegetable garden,

the chickens, sometimes doing chores for her dad, etc.

And even if she would not 'get anything done', we would still love her.

I just share that because satan wants to steal our gratitude,

so I fight back by 'remembering'.

I am delighted to walk past the living room door

many afternoons where she busily fills capsules

with the herbs our family uses on a regular basis,

sometimes also I hear a sermon playing while she works.

It has been a deeply painful journey to watch

our daughter walk thru this disease,

and there have been moments when I have hidden in my room

sobbing into my bedspread or pillow because

it was just too painful to experience,

lifting my daughter up to the One who

never leaves us or forsakes us.

But one thing we have learned to know...

God never makes mistakes.

He tailor makes our circumstances for us,

and we  have learned amazing things

thru this one!

It is sometimes a lonely journey, too,

because Lyme disease is an 'unseen'

struggle, for the most part.

We still are learning how to share with 

friends and relatives honestly without

causing them to feel awkward or unsure

how to relate to it all.

Happy birthday, dear Angela.

We love you and look forward

to seeing what God has in store

for you in the days He gives you.

This oldest daughter of mine is blessed beyond measure

with a sister who spent all of her teen years learning

how to sometimes be 'oldest sister' instead of middle child...

who has stepped up and filled in countless times when her

sister was unable to meet the need of the hour.

Her sister has become her best friend, and it is a delight to my heart

to hear them holding 'adult' conversations, having found a way

to celebrate their differences and blend their 'night and day' differences

to make a beautiful friendship that comforts our hearts.

PS

I am grateful to look back thru the past 4 years

and see the healing she has already experienced.

I believe that one day she will be completely healed,

if not in this life, then in eternity.

We are grateful for God's amazing grace

all photo credits go to the talented and lovely

Janelle Eby at Joy Focused Photography

Sixteen Years Ago...

Sixteen years ago...There was a young woman who wanted so desperately to know Jesus. Her heart was crushed deeply from abuse and sinfulness that she had vowed she would never repeat/get involved in and yet she found herself so helplessly doing exactly what she said she would never. Her heart was like a stone, emotionally she was spent and cold, from years of stuffing sorrow and keeping up appearances, as she had been taught, and from years of living without the life of Jesus in her heart.

At 24 years old, this young woman, who had been raised in a Mennonite home and saturated with the Word of God at every turn in church, school, reading material, etc prayed a prayer to God one day that changed her life forever, altho it would be another whole year til she would encounter an event that broke the heavens open to pour out light into her heart.

That woman was me. The prayer I prayed was this: "God, if you even exist, I need to know who you are and what you require of me." Imagine that, a girl brought up 'in the church' asking such a question? Obviously, I believed there was a God if I was praying to Him, but I do think that we all need to come to grips with that 'walking in faith' for ourselves for it ever to stick.

I kept asking, seeking, knocking. I kept wondering if I was going to go to heaven or hell when I died. I kept watching those close to me who had something I didn't have and I so desperately wanted it.

One day, my dear sister-in-law, who was newly born of Him  herself, gave me some CD sermons preached by Zac Poonen. I had never heard of him in my life but I wanted to know the truth. If she said that this helped her, and she was changed, then I wanted to know what it was myself!

I had always been taught to be cautious of who I listen to or whose material I read. I actually believe this is true, and still employ that counsel today. That is what I 'heard in my ear' as I put the first sermon into the player that day. I wondered, how will I know that what I hear is true or not? But from the moment I heard him speak, the Holy Spirit witnessed to my heart that this was truth.

In about 3 CD's, I knew that I had never been converted. I was actually relieved to know the answer to my problems. I was convicted but I wasn't condemned. I know some people struggle with condemnation, and I did before I heard Zac explain who God is and what He requires of me. I did not wait to hear the rest of the sermons in that series (I think there were 9 altogether). I knelt down on that plum colored carpet in the single-wide house trailer we lived in on some of the best prairie land I have ever seen in MO, and I got my life aligned with God. I was radically converted, I feel looking back like I was sort of like Paul on the road to Damascus. A lightning bolt came and struck me and I KNEW that I had found the answer that my soul so long had craved to know.

In the years that have followed, I have listened to many of Zac Poonen's sermons. He has been used of God in that way to disciple me and instruct my on true brokenness, living in the fellowship of God, and observing all that Jesus taught. I have never been the same. I have learned so much and I am so delighted that God has answered the cry of my heart.

For 13 of those 16 years, we have lived within 5 hours of where Zac comes to preach in PA every summer. I have longed many times to go hear him in person and thank him for being instrumental in my life, but every year came and went, and I was disappointed but resigned to the will of God.

This year, I got an unexpected surprise. I casually mentioned that Zac would be preaching in a few weeks, not even thinking about going. A few days later, my darling Farmer came to me and said he'll take me to PA to hear Zac preach. I was so shocked and overjoyed.

So this past Friday afternoon, my Farmer and I left our children, who are old enough to stay home alone (circumstances had us decide that they would stay behind), and literally drove through 'deep waters' to get out of NY to go to the meetings, with flash floods like we have never seen in all our 30 plus years of living in NY.

The meetings were wonderful. I came home feeling refreshed in my soul. Lamar found some answers to deep soul searching he has been walking through, and I got to fulfill my 16 year dream of hearing Zac preach in person (He's from India), and shake his hand and tell him the story of God used him to rescue me from eternal death. His face glowed with joy as I told him the story of my conversion and how he helped me to know so much how to 'live in the presence of God'. He humbly said, "That is wonderful, sister! Now go keep doing that!"

I wanted to share this story on here to say that God's timing can be trusted. If you are his child, then he tailor makes your circumstances for you. There is nothing that you wait for that he is too late or too early to fulfill. I have learned this lesson over and over and over again in my short life of being his servant. I sometimes have to still remind myself of this when I am walking thru a circumstance where I think that something just HAS to change soon and I find myself feeling frustrated that it seems God is being a bit lax in doing his job.

The Lord is mighty to save. He will keep us always. Let us be faithful in walking in close fellowship with him every day that He gives us breath.

If you are interested in hearing any of Zac's preaching, he has over a thousand sermons on youtube alone, I think and also many articles, books and sermons on his church's website. I'll post links below.

www.cfcindia.com

Allow God to Break You

How "We" Came to Be...

I love how Google photos shows me memories each day from the same day in years gone by. Wow, the things we did, the places we went, the moments we experienced that I would forget if I didn't have a reminder... This picture from last year of Lamar and I at the farewell party of a dear friend made me glow with warm memories of that day. Upon a second glance at this picture today, tho, I saw the baseball glove in Lamar's hand and my mind went all the 'way back to 1989 or 1990 when I was a girl of 13 in the 7th grade. I was a newbie to the high school room that year, and felt a little awkward inside, altho I hid that very well behind the protective veneer or confident superiority. But I did feel very awkward around all the upper graders in that room. Especially when we went out to play softball at recess time. Until a certain gentlemanly gesture melted that scared feeling and ultimately changed my life to date.

Mr. Lamar was in the 9th grade and well liked by many and had already turned the heads of a few of the girls. Why he chose me that day, I don't know, but in my memory, I can still see him shyly handing me his dark red baseball glove, offering it to me to use when his team was up to bat. And that is how our 'love story' began. To this day, that memory serves to remind me how this man of mine has always protected me and cared for me well. He has most always been the steady one in our relationship, holding me up through many a day of grief as I walked through deep heart pain. He has been the one person in my life that has provided continuous safety as I stood on wobbly feet as a newborn Christian five years into our marriage and then stepped aside as I learned to fly, letting me find my sure footing in Jesus.

My heart weeps as I think of how incredibly blessed I have been. I do not deserve such a gift, but I certainly receive it with thanksgiving and gratitude to the One who gave it, even tho I started out in this 'love story' backwards, with me at the center instead of Jesus.

Tho my husband is a man and certainly has his faults like any other man in this world, I am so happy to do life with him and I bless him in whatever way I can for rescuing me and for all the 'red baseball glove moments' he has gifted me with over the years through his quiet selfless acts of service to me and his family.

In My Flesh Dwells No Good Thing...

This has been on my heart for years and I just felt inspired to write it down here, as I ponder a recent situation/discussion on the subject.

We have a flesh. I think all of us are keenly aware of it, altho in some religious circles, this seems to be a subject somewhat avoided and ignored, as if it didn't exist at all when one chooses to identify with Jesus or the interpretation of Jesus that the group may have. Somehow it has become a mindset that it's 'embarrassing' to admit that we have a flesh, I think because we are afraid of being misunderstood or dealt with harshly because you know, after you 'accept Jesus', you are supposed to somehow magically never struggle with the flesh again, because if you do struggle with the flesh, or if  you have a 'feeling from the fleshly side of things', then surely that means you are not truly walking with God. (said sarcastically, shaking my head)

We have a flesh. "In me, that is in my flesh, dwells no good thing." Paul wrote these words to his fellow believers around 2,000 years ago and it is still very true today because there is 'no new thing under the sun'. Mankind is always the same. Ever since the fall, we all have inherited a sinful nature and desperately need to be restored to our Father God through His son, Jesus. Every day that I walk this earth, I am grateful to God that He redeemed my life from destruction and crowned me with lovingkindness and tender mercy. But I am keenly aware of the fact that I have a flesh that I can choose to serve at any time. It takes a moment-by-moment commitment to trust wholly in the capability of the Holy Spirit to guide me into all truth, a complete surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, in order for me to experience the fullness and the abundance of that life He came to give me.

We have a flesh. But please let's not celebrate it. It needs to be crucified and buried with Christ so that we can experience His resurrection power and newness of life. It is not something to celebrate that I am capable of acting in selfishness and godlessness.

That I can feel godless and selfish at times is definitely something true. However, what I like to tell young women that I counsel, and what I've learned in my own journey, is this: FEELINGS are not facts. FEELINGS allow you to decide whether or not to ponder that thought further, allowing it to pass through into an action, or to toss it out and replace it with something full of LIFE from Jesus.

I see people sometimes almost celebrating our flesh. I think this likely is a reactionary measure from being oppressed by a religious community in their youth but I would like to say that this is not really the response that God is looking for. He calls us to lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily besets us. He calls us to become NEW. Nowhere in this 'becoming new' do I see room to glorify the flesh. If I am called to glorify my Father who is in heaven, then I am called to bear my Cross, deny myself and put my fleshly 'feelings' where they belong.

So my encouragement in this blog post is two fold:
1. Don't celebrate the flesh.
2. Don't act like you have no fleshly feelings ever that you need to take to the Cross

There's a ditch on either side. May we follow our Lord Jesus on the narrow way that leads Home, turning neither to the left hand nor to the right.

I am deeply  humbled at the mercy and grace my Father has given me thru the gift of redemption. It is not of my 'works', lest I should boast in my accomplishements. Living a consistently free life is HIS doing. "Here's my heart, Lord. Take and seal it, seal if for Thy courts above."